Midnight Boat Ride

A few nights ago, as I lay on the deck of a boat in the middle of the ocean, I looked up at the stars. They have an uncanny way of making you feel as small as an ant. 
A stark realization hit me. I rarely question why I am here. Why I am alive. What the whole point of life is. I blindly do as I am told. I blindly accept what is as is and go with it. I can’t decide if this ignorance has been my saving grace or the one thing that has gotten in my way time and time again. 
So. Let me ask myself. Open up Pandora’s box here. Why was I put on this earth? What is the point of this journey I am on? 
I believe in the universal law that energy cannot be created nor destroyed…it is constantly transferred from one area to the next. And with that thought, begets the question: are we all just reincarnated orbs of energy traveling from one form to the next? 
I think so. I didn’t really explore the presence of energy until fairly recently, but it’s always been there. Bad energy can be transferred from the rain cloud sitting atop someone’s head to another’s in the drop of a hat. You can enter a room and feel the warmth of familial energy. Happiness has its own bright, yellow glow. Not a raging fire kind of yellow. More like a soft, pastel kind of yellow. 
Anger burns red like coal in a furnace. Sadness can be a multitude of blacks and blues, the color of a bruise. Energy has a feeling, a distinct color, and is always there. 
That also begs the question…where do we go when we die? If energy doesn’t die with our body, where does it go? I believe in ghosts, orbs of energy that haven’t found a new place to settle in yet. 

Now that I’ve had a brush with death, I believe in this more and more. My grandfather passed away in January. Since then, he has been with me in the most random of places. He always finds me on top of mountains I’m climbing. He’s not always with me, but he finds me when I need him. Traveling energy. 
Along this line of thinking, I’m thinking of the impact my energy has on others. Do I give off good energy? Most days, I’d like to think so. 
But, there is a way to preserve that energy and I’ve been exploring ways in which to do that. My light shines brightest, my energy is the strongest, when I eat clean and green. When I’m practicing yoga. When I’ve meditated. When I’m open and kind and living in the present moment. The minute I become mindful of my surroundings, forgetting my woes and worries of the past and future, that’s when I am my best self.
But, what about those bad days? When I binge eat everything in sight. When I’m bickering with my boyfriend. When I’m sick to my stomach from lack of sleep, stiff-limbed and disconnected from my body due to lack of exercise. How do I transition speedily back to my best self? 

Simple. Taking care of my mind by sleeping and meditating. Taking care of my body by exercising and doing yoga. By getting a massage and a hair cut and taking a long, hot shower. Taking care of my soul by being kind and open and truly listening to myself and to others. 
But, what is my purpose? Why am I here? I’d like to hope it’s for a bigger purpose than the usual path. How many lives have I lived where I am born, go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, die, repeat? When do I divert from this path to truly find my own? 
The minute I stop caring about what people think. About social norms. About what I’m “supposed” to do. The minute I do what I want, when I want, no matter what. That’s where true freedom lies. That’s when I find out what I’m supposed to do.

I have some ideas. Some things that feel right. Now I’ve just got to decide if those are what I truly want. 


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